


Why?

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Deceit | Janus Sanders Has Issues, Light Angst, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26722420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus just wants to know why.
Kudos: 37





	Why?

Why can't he burn himself? What's so bad about that? Why isn't cutting bad?

_'Just.. please don't burn yourself.'_

Why? Why can Janus cut but not burn? Is it because his skin will give off the burnt skin smell? Does that even _have_ a smell? Will a lighter be enough to make it smell? He really doubts that. Even so, his window is open at night and with all the fires going around, he has an easy out. His allergies wouldn't make him be able to smell it, so when and if his parents come in and ask why it smells he can just say 'i don't smell anything..?' and he'll be free.

So why is it so bad?

Why can't he fucking burn himself?

He really wants to ask. But that might worry his friend. Janus doesn't want to worry them. 

_'It's more noticeable and hurts more depending on the temperature.'_

Yeah, he knows. Of course he knows. It's more noticeable, but he only wears long sleeves, and they fade after a couple months. WHY IS IT SO BAD? WHY IS IT BAD WHY IS IT BAD WHY WHY WHY-

He just wants to know why. And why cutting isn't bad. And why he still hasn't burnt himself. And why he feels guilty for even thinking about burning now. And why he almost had a meltdown because he couldn't find a lighter, and why he felt guilty about it, and why he told his friend he'd try not to burn himself, and why he kept looking for the lighter. 

Janus found one, too.

And he felt so, so relieved. And then fucking terrible. He told his friend he wouldn't. He still got the "tool".. and he really wants to use it. But he told his friend he wouldn't. And he told himself he wouldn't, not yet. He'll keep trying not to. But it's so, so damn hard.

He doesn't want to disappoint. Janus already felt bad enough when he relapses, he doesn't want to imagine what that'll feel like when he has someone who cared about him and wants to help him. He already wants to cry thinking about it.

But he really wants to burn. He carved just a few days ago, maybe two, and he said he was probably done using blades for a bit. He wants to though, but he needs to clear up space if he's going to burn. He's scared to burn, and he doesn't know how to turn on the lighter. He's scared he'll burn the house down. Or start a fire.

He doesn't particularly care about the damages to himself. 

So why can't he burn? What's bad about it then?

He really wants to know, he really fucking does.

He just wants to know why..


End file.
